Bride's Side, Vol. 14: 'A healthy marriage is not predicated on a happy wedding'

Bridal Blogger: Sam (of Sam and Kyle) of Portland, Maine*
Connection to Maine: Bride's and groom's homestate
Wedding Date: Saturday, September 24, 2005
Wedding Location: Pre-wedding preparations and ceremony at the bride and groom's first home, in Farmington, followed by dinner and dancing at The Homestead in downtown Farmington
Guests invited: 75 /Guests attending: 70 (20 or so of them from out-of-state)

*Yes, I (Samantha Warren) am this week's blogger on the Samantha Warren Weddings' blog's Bride's Side, rounding out 14 weeks of insightful, inspirational and terrifically thoughtful posts by clients whose Maine weddings I've photographed over the last two years. I was humbled by the reflection revealed in each and every entry, as well as the reaction to the series, which has been overwhelmingly positive beyond my wildest imagination. Not only did future clients thank me, but clients who wrote entries told me how grateful they were for the opportunity to share in this setting. Thank you!

And -having been introduced to Kyle through his encouraging and engaging comments on each of my posts- many of you wrote to ask me about my own wedding experience so I thought I'd step up and share our own wedding story, as so much of how I run my wedding photography business is based on our own experience of getting married and the delights our union has brought us both since that date. Here goes.

I once heard a wedding toast where the best man wished the bride and groom "May your wedding day be the worst day of the rest of your lives together."

Yikes! That's a bit brusque. Or is it?

As a wedding photographer who is insanely passionate about what I do, I am supposed to say that my wedding day was the best day of my life, that it was everything I dreamed it would be ever since I was a little girl, and that I'd never been happier than I was on that day. But what if it's not true?

Just as no one ever wants to admit the baby really isn't cute (face it- some look like little aliens, or worse yet, old men), no bride ever wants to be upfront with the fact that she didn't enjoy herself on her wedding day (least of all a wedding industry professional). But just like there are bad birthdays and chaotic Christmases, for some people (myself included), their wedding day doesn't work out the way they'd imagined it to be. Weddings, like any momentous gathering, can bring out the best in people, and they can also bring out the worst as family dynamics, financial insecurities, expectations (real or imagined) and power struggles collide to create a pressure-cooker situation that looks nothing like the fairytale this was supposed to be.

I let it get to me. And I never let it go.

In large part, I still haven't.

In all fairness, our wedding day wasn't a disaster, just a bit of an emotional disappointment. It wasn't just the actions of others that left me feeling that way, but my own reactions, (which in the end, is really all I have control over). In having the conversation with Kyle about what to even say about this day, he (ever the optimist) suggested I focus on what about the day went well and there are many posts I could write attesting to those good- no, great!- things: the man, the marriage, the fact that all of our grandparents lived to see the day, the food, the flowers, my blast of a bridal shower, the thoughtfulness that went into crafting our ceremony...But that's not me.

Me, that person, who says the things that no one else dares to say though they are thinking/feeling/freakingout about them wants you to know that this process isn't all buttercream and bridal showers and signature cocktails. Sometimes it hurts. Other times it hurts like hell. Hurts when you learn someone you really hoped would be there can't make it, or won't. Hurts when just weeks before the wedding, Hurricane Katrina hits, and you are watching the drama unfold on the tv and feeling so damn guilty about spending the money you are spending on this single day when people and their lives are getting swept away. Hurts when are telling the baker how great the cake is, meanwhile all you are really tasting is doubt, as you wonder whether you are ready to make this commitment, because with six marriages between your two parents, the odds aren't really in your favor.

I wish I'd known during my wedding and its planning that it is acceptable to think and feel and wonder about all these things. That it is productive to challenge yourself, and your spouse-to-be and your vows and your values. That these doubts make you more deserving of the happiness that is about to come, not less. And more than anything, I wish I'd known then what I know now, and that is that despite what the magazines and the movies tell you, a healthy marriage is not predicated on a happy wedding. In fact, there is little to no relation between the two (just look at Diana & Charles, Brad and Jen, Elizabeth Taylor and any of her eight husbands.) Had I known this, I suspect I would have been able to let things go a bit more, without being convinced that every misstep meant our marriage was doomed.

In the movies, the wedding disasters are always about things- a double-booked venue in Bride Wars, for example, or ridiculous unimaginable revelations, like the bride is still married a la Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. But rarely do people truly talk about the very real and very painful emotional quagmires that weddings so often create, internally (in your own head) and externally (between you and others). As a result, if your wedding isn't the best day in your life, it's easy to convince yourself that maybe your relationship isn't really ready. If my own experience is any judge, that can't be further from the truth

I'd love to say that this realization has helped me recover from our wedding experience but in the interest of honesty, I can't do that. I still feel guilty that I didn't just make the best of things, and angry that some people were not what I wanted them to be and sad that I'll never be able to do it again. But I've been able to find some peace because while the wedding wasn't what I thought it would have been, the marriage is a million times more fulfilling than I thought it could have been. Sometimes, the reality really is better than the fantasy.

And instead of feeling envious of the dream weddings my couples are celebrating, I throw myself into ensuring that they will be. I make it a point to always get portraits of my couple with all the generations of their family present because having all eight of our grandparents participating in our wedding day was more meaningful to us than we've ever articulated to them, and if I could go back and do one thing differently, it would have been to get a picture with us alongside all eight of them. I make sure to get a zillion shots of the emotion that emotes when a bride dances with her dad, because I know how important my dad is to me, and I regret that I never danced with him at my own wedding. I tuck into thorny bushes and stretch out across slippery rocks to capture those split second looks between a bride and her groom, because I know that those are the real and raw and beautiful moments that make everything else bearable and that have nothing but joy attached to them. And I do whatever I can to be there as an adviser/guide/therapist/put-it-into-perspectivator for my couples in their planning- photographically and otherwise wedding related- because I know how helpful it would have been for us to have an unbiased and always available trusted expert just a quick phone call or an email away.

I don't photograph weddings. I tell stories. Stories of couples who would rather have eloped to a deserted island far away, but are here to honor those whose love inspired this very day. Stories of mothers who may one day befriend their daughters and daughters who may one day find peace with their fathers. Stories of grandparents, who will next wear the suit they so proudly picked out for this day at their own funerals. Stories of frustration freed in a frenzy of feet and arms on a pulsing dance floor. Stories of struggles and strength, sometimes seen in the same second. Stories of bodies that will soon bear children, and never again fit into a size six. Stories of couples who have no idea how great their lives together are about to get.

Stories of couples celebrating on a day that is everything they dreamed it would be and those who discovered it definitely was not, and the 27 million emotions in between that are perfectly acceptable to feel.


(Photograph of Kyle and me on our wedding day by Kim Chapman)

Biggest planning surprise: Kyle and I got engaged after only having dated for six months. We just knew. The day after I said "Yes!", I remember buying a bevy of bridal books and magazines and being so eager to plan every detail. But our date was 20 months away, and my planning momentum soon hit a wall for various reasons, including budgeting stress, and a sense of being overwhelmed by all the decisions to be made. I tried to get going again and eventually did in the spring/summer before our fall wedding, but despite my excitement and OCDesque organizational skills, I still found myself scrambling in the final days before the wedding, often overlooking personal necessities like eating and showering in a mad dash to get it all done. No matter how well-planned you think everything is, there will inevitably be last minute details to attend to. I now encourage all my clients to heed SWW bride Sara's plan going into her October 2008 wedding, and that is to pick a date during the week of the wedding from which point forward, you wedding planning goes on autopilot, and you let things happen as they may, deferring decisions to others and resolving to relish in what you've worked so hard to orchestra.

Favorite wedding planning resource: I purchased many (far too many) books and magazines in the months following our engagement, but ultimately, I found the best book to be Simply Stunning Weddings:Designing and Creating Your Perfect Celebration by Karen Bussen and Ellen Silverman and the consistently best magazine to be Martha Stewart Weddings (seriously, she can do no wrong).

I wish I'd spent more time: Shallow moment in three, two, one... Ok, here goes, as much as I hate to admit this, I wish I spent more time thinking about myself as a bride and how I'd look on the wedding day. I was never one of those little girls who dreamed of my wedding dress or how I'd wear my hair, and I know it showed, more in my wedding day confidence than anything (and don't overlook the value of being a confident bride- when you feel sexy in your skin, it shows). I was simply so happy to be marrying Kyle, that I never even thought about (let alone took the time to do) the pre-wedding beauty preparations that make being a bride so fun. I bought my dress online from David's Bridal without having even tried it on (mistake). I never did a hair trial (bigger mistake). And I didn't have a makeup artist (biggest mistake). Even the most grounded bride deserves to be (and by this I mean to feel) beautiful, and I wish I'd been better at making myself a primping priority.

I wish I'd spent less time: micromanaging certain vendors. In prepping this post, I was reviewing all the different wedding-related documents I'd typed up, including my lengthy sheet of notes for the restaurant where we held our reception. Control freak much? In my defense, food was our wedding priority (after all, a Tuscan fall feast has to have fabulous food), but the reason we choose to have our reception at a restaurant and why we picked the one we did is because we loved their food (some of our regular menu favorites also appeared on our wedding table, like hanger steak w/truffle butter, pumpkin roulade w/cinnamon gellato and buttered rum sauce) and the ambiance there, and we should have just trusted them enough to let go (there that just let go mantra is again) and do what they do best. That's what we did with our fabulous florist (Sunrise View Farms of Rangeley and our toe-tappingly terrific bluegrass band, Evergreen) and the music and the flowers were fantastic beyond my wild dreams, without the time and the directional lists... oh, the lists. As I've learned through my work as a wedding photographer, good vendors are experts in their field and it only benefits you to trust them completely (they'll appreciate it, and in the end, so will you as it will allow them to do their most creative work). You are hiring them not just for their final product (food, flowers), but for their experience and expertise. After all, you are only supposed to do this once, but they do it dozens of times a year. Sounds like a dirty bumpersticker.

I wish I had: stopped worrying about whether everyone else was having fun and spent more time having some fun of my own. After photographing dozens of weddings, I've learned a flawless formula that ensures enjoyment among wedding guests (and no, it's not having an open bar, though that certainly doesn't hurt): bride having fun + groom having fun = happy guests. It's really that easy. Guests aren't going to know that the placecards weren't positioned perfectly or your shoes got scuffed. What they'll detect and then duplicate in their own attitude to the day is yours.

I wish I hadn't: drank so much the night before the wedding! Kyle's best friend and his girlfriend stayed over at our house the night before the big day, and one bottle of champagne turned into two, turned into... Suffice to say, having neglected nourishment throughout much of the week combined with all my nerves made me a bit of a lightweight, and when we had to get up early the next morning to go pick up my mom an hour away (another I wish I hadn't) so she could come be a part of my pre-wedding prep, I was a hurting unit. I am not a drinker by any means, and I shouldn't have picked the night before my wedding to become one. I could barely stomach a sip of champagne at our reception as a result! Note to self- weddings and alcohol rarely mix well together, at least for their bride and groom.

I am glad: Plain and simple, I am glad I married Kyle. In our wedding vows, our officiant said "Sam and Kyle admittedly do not know what much of the future will bring. But, they have decided that whatever challenges and successes lay ahead, they want to meet them head-on and TOGETHER. And that is why we are here today." That holds true today and for a million and seven reasons, I am so glad I choose to marry Kyle, even if the wedding itself was not the one of my dreams. I am also very glad we choose to include our beloved Alder in all facets of our wedding, from our invitations, to our ceremony (she was our ring bearess- carrying the rings in a tennis ball) to our wedding announcement. She (and now Nikon, too) is the center of our collective universe, and I can think of few things more important on our wedding day than including her. And finally, I am glad we wrote our own ceremony, from start to finish. Though it was (really, really, really) long, it was a true reflection of us, from our joint reading of William Butler Yates' "Brown Penny" to our highly-personal vows (in a nod to Kyle's passion for gardening, my vows to him were based on a gardening metaphor, ie. "I will embrace the rains that may fall during our marriage, because I know that if we wait them through, we will grow.")

Favorite wedding moment: A guiding client turned friend of Kyle was generous enough to chauffeur us from our home to the reception site in his classic 1936 Model A Ford. It was a surprise to both of us (and a testament to his hospitality and kind heart) that he decorated the car with streamers and a "Just Married!" sign, and we felt like royalty rolling down the road with a line of patient cars behind us as we slowly but surely puttered along. I think it was one of the only times during the day when things slowed down enough (literally, a car that age can only go so fast), and I was utterly and completely in the moment. Of course Alder trotting off (!with rings in tow in her tennis ball!) mid-ceremony was another moment I wouldn't have missed!

Detail that was worth it: Our cutting board favors! To compliment our Tuscan feast theme, we gave our guests cutting boards laser engraved with a quote from the Talmud (a nod to my Judaism) that read "There is no festive celebration without eating or drinking" and our wedding date. Now, nearly fours years later, we are delighted to find that friends and family are using them when we visit them for dinner.

Detail that was a waste: I love thoughtful little details that make people feel more welcome and having seen this refreshing idea so sweetly executed in Martha Stewart Weddings, I decided that we too needed a lemonade and apple cider stand in our backyard so guests could enjoy a cool drink before the ceremony started. Sadly, no one saw the station (it wasn't in the best spot) and I remember being so disappointed early the next morning as we poured liters of leftover lemonade and local cider into the grass.

Best wedding splurge: The honeymoon! I've had a love affair with Provence ever since seeing pictures of its lush lavender fields in my French I high school textbook and Kyle had actually imagined before he met me that he'd get married in Chamonix, France, so it seemed the perfect honeymoon destination for us. And it was! We spent the first part of the week in the Villeneauve les Avignon (we stayed at the charming Hotel-de-l'Atelier which I highly recommend and hope to return to), feasting, exploring centuries-old villages and vineyards and yes, languishing in the lavendar fields outside Gordes, before ending the week with a stop in St. Tropez (overrated) followed by a few days Cannes, where we walked the red carpet, windowshopped and did some more eating and drinking. Easily the best week of my life, and we cannot wait to go back (maybe this fall).

Best wedding steal: The car of course! It would have been silly to hire a car to take us a mile down the road in rural Maine, but we wanted to still do something special. We were so grateful Joe agreed to drive and then join us at our wedding, but what surprised me more was how flattered he was to be asked. When planning, consider those friends who may have something to offer- people really want to be included and the least they can do is say no, plus it means so much to have those who are meaningful to you involved in such an important day (and it often is a cost-saver). Our bagpiper was a longtime family friend of the Warren's who provided his pipes pro bono, and our officiant was also a complete steal! He was the local district attorney who I dealt with a lot through my work as a newspaper reporter and he also happened to my matron-of-honor's boss at the time, and a fishing buddy of Kyle's. Kyle tied him a dozen doodlebugs (fishing flies) and put them in a leather fly wallet in exchange for his guidance and officiating chops. And I can't forget the matron-of-honor and the best man. In exchange for a good meal, they were there for us both through the thick and thin of wedding planning, from driving two hours to pick up the ceremony chairs the day before the wedding, to giving moving and memorable toasts after dinner. Thanks Mary and Jon!

My best advice is: to remember what it is all really, truly and wonderfully about. For some, weddings can be so glamerous and the planning can make you giddy. For others, it can aggravate existing tensions surrounding family dynamics, money and much more. I fell into the latter camp, and to what end? I have a blissful, meaningful marriage to a man who still gives me belly butterflies, and the wedding really had no baring on that. It's easy to get caught up in the details of the day and you certainly should have fun with them (because really, when else in your life are you going to have such a fabulous dinner party with all those most important to you). But by grounding yourself in the marriage ahead and its meaning to you as a couple, the wedding will follow. And seriously, hire a really great photographer!

Read Past Bride's Side Posts:
-Vol.1: 10 tips for making the "Best Day of Your Life" just that
-Vol. 2: 'Remember you are starting a life together'
-Vol. 3: Go green, but stay real
Vol.4: If I knew then, what I know now
-Vol.5: 'Try not to over think things- hard as it may be'
-Vol. 6: What to expect when you are unexpecting
-Vol. 7: 'It's all about being your collective selves'
-Vol. 8: 'A celebration of the people who shaped us'
-Vol. 9: 'Experience is the best wedding planner'
-Vol. 10: 'I would do it all again tomorrow, if I could...'
-Vol. 11: Make it a family affair
-Vol. 12: 'Our ultimate goal was to throw a great party'
-Vol: 13: 'A great day by any definition...The best day by mine'

Summer '09 openings

Due to a last minute wedding date change, I now have Saturday, June 27 of this summer open. If you are interested in the date, do contact me right away. And please note that I do have several other prime summer Saturdays still available, so while I am booking many 2010 dates at this time, don't hesitate to contact me about a 2009 wedding.